Often I hear people muse over their travels of the world, fondly recollecting their memories and experiences and coming to the conclusion that in their journey to learn more about the world, they end up learning the most about themselves. I took this Malaysian journey to try things a little backwards. In my attempt to discover myself and my new-found freedom, I discovered things of the world that I never imagined to learn.
I came to Malaysia emotionally shipwrecked. I just left my fiancé of 8 years. I walked out of our 2-year old home and left my cat meowing at the screen door. In addition to this decision, I received news that I was laid off from my oh-so-perfect-big-corporate-American-dream job. I was, in all senses of the word, a mess. But a happy mess.
Truth be told, for 3 months prior I had been secretly wishing for release. To be laid off from my company with severance pay and on good terms. To leave my life, which had become suffocating and solitary, a life I lived for other's expectations of myself. And when things began to crumble, swiftly and severely, I found myself asking one simple question: what will bring release? What will bring happiness? And I knew my answer before I dared to utter the words from my lips. I left the country in a whirlwind of anxiety, anticipation, and adventure, seeking solace in Asia.
I came to Malaysia not knowing the location, the politics, the currency, the visa requirements, the country code, or even the national languages. In retrospect, this was not the best researched of my decisions. But, I believe that life provides. Regardless of your affiliation with god, when you are in your greatest hour of need, s/he will provide. Now the quality of what is provided is a matter of opinion!
The stage has been set. Confused American girl, comes to un-researched Muslim country with a large severance payout, no additional travel plans and a wish to work as a graphic designer in Asia. So what is a girl to do when she is unknowingly on a life quest to become a woman? What is the best way for her to get over an 8-year relationship and the sadness of loosing her perfect job? Of course the answers lie in the unexpected!
Step one. Dye your hair blue and get four new tattoos to compliment your three preexisting tattoos. Step two. While wasting 6 plane tickets and busing across Thailand and Cambodia, travel to four different countries within four days. Step three. Buy a dog to fill the absence of her ended pre-marriage relationship. Except, in the process of buying a dog she finds herself with a very handsome Malaysian boyfriend and now in a new type of love. Step Four. Fail at finding work and instead return to her home country to start her own design business and wait for the right time to come back to Asia and try again. Always ready to get up, brush off, and try again. That is my motto as a new woman.
What I discovered in my short 3-month stay in Malaysia is that when preparation meets life, life is that much easier for it. But when one is unprepared, life becomes an unassuming game of strategy. Though the sane human being would prefer a life that is planned, the adventurer in me welcomes the challenge of the chaos. For this chaos symbolizes a rebirth and a coming-to of inner balance. The polarity of the life I left in America to the life I will return for, are as vastly apart as looking across a great expanse of Saharan desert, or in this case, Malaysian ocean.
In my gasping attempts to understand myself, my loves, my life, and my career, I came to better understand my fears of the world. I came face to face with rich adult Iranian friends living off their parents’ wealth in a high-rise in downtown Kuala Lumpur on the 32nd floor, swimming away the lazy summer afternoons and the crisp cool nights. I broke down the political towers that American media had encapsulated me within, taking a chance to understand the real Islam, finding it in the 43-year-old Malaysian mother and wife who was leaving her 20-year marriage and a husband who couldn’t respect her womanhood. In her words, “I'm leaving him because at least a prostitute is paid for sex.”
My fears slithered in under my pillow at night to wake me in the morning with problems of the world that are both unavoidable and unprejudiced. Problems that afflicted all races, ages, and sexes. My Chinese friend attacked and beaten in the middle of the day, in the middle of the sidewalk, in the financial district, on a Thursday afternoon at lunch hour, by a Malay biker from a local gang. Called a “worthless Chinese slave” from the mouth of a government-supported Malay “native” in a country torn apart by British negotiation only generations prior. And the stories of violence grew. And multiplied.
And this very clearly became the reality of my life. This fake America, this tropical place of beauty and discovery was not the beautiful, serene destination beach vacation. This was life. This was the problem of every country, every person, the problems found in America, found in all countries of the world. This was a country with her own baggage, certainly not the escape as so many tourists and expatriates desperately tried to parade her around as.
And in my search to find myself and my adulthood I found that life, regardless of one’s wealth and location, is the same for all. It is filled with happiness and struggle. It is filled with moments of wonder and shock. And this revelation empowers me. No longer do I fear to live outside of America. No longer do I fear a lack of acceptance outside of my birth country. Now, I am on a new quest. A quest to become a truly global person, a citizen of the world. Unbound by cultural norms and expectations. Ready to take on challenge and language, all for the adventure of the unknown.
I reject you stereotypical American dream. I will make my own American dream. I had you. I had your house and your pension plan and your seemingly perfect husband and well-manicured lawn. But you are not for me. You are for someone else. And now I must make a path for my own dream. Not another dream to replace you. A dream that will become the reality I secretly desired for the past decade of my life. It is no longer secret. And in Malaysia I found how to be myself. Not to say that I found myself. But I found how to start living, living the life of a real American. An American who dreams beyond the endless sky. That is what I believe is the core of America. The freedom to dream and make those dreams reality.
